Hesitation

My fingers led me back to this blog late into the wee hours. Once I got here, I hesitated. Can I do this again? Again...again...again. My fingers now hover above the keys. What do I say? write? do? I had the brass ring 'that close' that I could grab it. Then it retreated from my reach. Or I backed away, and here I am, back to where I started, back to the weight that led me to make the decision to have the surgery. I'm back...there. There. Oh God. How could I let this happen again? I was more than halfway to goal. More than halfway. And one conversation led to self doubt, and a spiraling away from motivation, control, focus. And here I am. Carrying around the equivalent of six sacks of potatoes with me wherever I go. Nearly 60 lbs gained since I got to my lowest after surgery. I have no energy, I am tired and exhausted. Even my fat clothes don't fit. I am here. 

I have a little fight left, and I am trying to channel that. I am so weighted to the ground, mentally and physically, but I am going to try to stand up. To dust myself off again. again. My mind wavers between numbness, disbelief, and strong anger. How can I get out of 'here'? I am going to try to find my way again. I know the road, I've seen it many times. I just have to gear up to go down it once again. I don't want to get into self pity or self hatred, because that isn't productive. I need to just jump in, without thinking about it, and not hesitate. Hesitation is the traitor that makes us lose where we could win. I want to win. I'm saying it with a whisper, but I will do what I can to make that voice stronger again. I will not be 'here' much longer. I'm looking forward to 'there'.